The 158 Who Left

The study I embarked on focused on a very specific and different group of Latter-Day Saints.  It is not about those who have become less active through apathy.  It is not about those who never really had a testimony of the church.   It is not about those who have sinned and been unwilling to repent of their sins.  It is not about those looking for an excuse to leave and get out of the hard work of being considered an active Latter Day Saint.   Rather, this study is about a group of Latter-Day Saints who have intentionally chosen to leave the church because they decided that the church was not what it claims to be.   

My research is composed of an analysis of the stories of 158 people who have left the church.   Their stories relate the path they followed from faithful member of the church through their doubts and struggles up until their ultimate rejection of the church.  Some of their stories can be found on various blogs and other sites on the Internet.  Some of the stories are personal stories of people that I know.  I have reviewed each story and pulled out of each story the reasons that were listed as contributing to their decision to leave the church.   No one left over a single issue. In all cases, many issues combined to finally push them over the edge. 

I did not solicit these stories, but most of them are out in the public arena for anyone to read.   These stories are not in response to a survey, nor were they answering specific questions of an interviewer.   These stories are from people who for a wide variety of reasons felt the need to share their stories in a public arena.

I have included here a short table of findings regarding some characteristics of the people whose stories I reviewed: 

Total Number of Stories	158
Mentioned being born in the Church	117
Considered themselves to have had strong Testimonies	103
Felt that their testimonies could be stronger	55
Women	69
Men	89
Mentioned Serving a Full-time Mission	62%
Mentioned Attending BYU	55%
Mentioned being married in the Temple	70%
Mentioned doing extensive research on Church Doctrine/History	62%
Mentioned turning to the internet for research	25%
Mentioned either holding a recommend or a calling requiring an active recommend or being married in the Temple	100%

Please note, that since these stories are just people sharing their own experiences without being asked and without an interviewer, each of them shared what they thought was important to bring up.  For example, many (over 100) felt that it was important to point out that they were born in the Church.   But it is very well possible that those who did not mention being born in the church were also born in the Church as well.   So, all of these numbers are probably low.

As I just mentioned, an overwhelming number of these people were born in the church.  Of the 158 people in this study, over 100 of them had been born in the church.   Interestingly enough, 65% mentioned feeling like they had a strong testimony while the others described their testimonies as ones that could be stronger.  No one mentioned having a weak testimony.  Every one of them held a temple recommend at one point during their time in the church. 

As the data shows, a strong percentage of the 158 sharing their stories considered themselves to be strong members of the church, who had served full-time missions, attended BYU and were married in the Temple.  

The next table lists callings held by the people in these stories.  Many of the people mentioned some of the callings they had held in their stories.  However, a significant portion of the stories made no mention of callings, so the numbers here are greatly understated as to provide an actual reflection of the callings held by all 158. 

Stake President	1
Member of Stake Presidency	5
Patriarch	1
High Council	22
Stake YM or YW Presidencies	9
Stake Auxiliary Leader (RS, Primary President and Counselors)	25
Bishops	4
Members of Bishopric	32
Relief Society Presidencies	44
High Priest Group Leadership	23
Elders Quorum Presidency	67
YM, YW, Primary Presidencies	101

The fact that the list of callings these people held includes Bishops, Relief Society Presidents, Stake Presidents, Elder’s Quorum Presidents, High Councilors and other leadership positions attests to the fact that many of these people were stalwart members of the church who sacrificed much of their time on behalf of the church. They are people who were willing and desirous of committing all of their time, talent, and energy to the building up of the Church and clearly demonstrated it by their actions and service.      

Reading their stories you can feel their devotion to the church.   They followed as best as they could the counsels of the prophets and other general authorities.  They also held family home evenings, they prayed regularly, and they attended the temple regularly. They studied the scriptures, and did their home teaching or visiting teaching.  But ultimately, every one of them all lost their faith.  The forces that combined to turn these people from their strong testimonies, their stalwart devotion and years of commitment to the church must indeed have been very powerful. 

Lest we think that this is an isolated incident, let me submit this for your consideration.  While Church membership continues to grow, that rate of growth has slowed tremendously.   In the 1980s, church membership growth averaged 5.2% per year.   In the 1990s, Church growth averaged 3.7% per year.  Since the year 2000, Church growth has averaged 2.5% per year and has not been above 3% once.  

In 2010, Church membership announced at the April 2011 General Conference was at 14,131,467

In 2011, Church membership announced at the April 2012 General Conference was at 14,4,441,346  an increase of 309,879 people on Church membership rolls.   That’s a growth of 2.2%

It has been mentioned by leaders of the Church that we are in the greatest period of apostasy since the days of Kirtland.  Thousands have requested that their names be removed from the records of the Church.   There is a proliferation of message boards with thousands of members discussing the things they are learning about the Church but either are too afraid to ask, or have no forum to discuss.   Have you noticed how many talks by the brethren are focused on bringing people back to church and/or keeping the testimonies of members strong in the face of questions?

So what are the issues that could be so strong and powerful as to lead these people to take the painful step of leaving the church?  Many of them were afraid that their choice would jeopardize their marriages.  Many of them were afraid that their choice would significantly strain their family relationships.  Many of them were afraid that they would lose most of their friends over this decision.    They all feared eternal consequences if they were wrong.   Many of them were so afraid of the consequences of their decision that they kept it secret for a long time, in some cases even years.  They continued to magnify callings and act as stalwarts even though inwardly they were full of doubt or had already lost their testimony. 

What is it that in spite of all the original strength of their testimonies and then the fears they faced once they were losing their testimonies that still drove them to leave the church? 

The path that each person followed who shared their story is unique.   The reasons that each of them gave for leaving the church are just as unique as their stories.   However, there are several elements that I found were shared by significant majority of these 158.  

There is one theme that I saw repeatedly.   As these one-time stalwarts faced questions, they were hesitant to ask members of the church or leaders out of fear as to how they would be perceived by them.   Those that did ask questions were left unsatisfied by those to whom they addressed their questions.   Frequently, the local church leaders or other stalwart friends not only did not have answers to their questions, but in many cases either had never heard of the issue or never thought about it. IN many cases, the few in whom they did confide, laced their answers with judgements on the character and worthiness of the person asking the question.

Another common theme was that every one of these people felt that “truth should withstand scrutiny.”  That phrase was used by many of the 158.   As they delved into their questions, they felt that there would be an answer that not only vindicated the Church, but would strengthen their testimonies.  Many of them went through a period of being ardent and pro-active defenders of the Church as opposed to someone just going about their business magnifying their callings and caring for their families.  

No one left over a single issue.   It was large number of issues both doctrinal (such as the Book of Abraham) and social (how members shun those with questions) that ultimately led them to a point where they felt decided to leave.

As I read each story, I made note of each issue that I saw that I felt led them further away from the church.   The following table shows every item that was mentioned by at least 20% of the people whose stories I analyzed.

Felt that Church description of history or positions on doctrine has been changed and sanitized. “Whitewashed” is a word often used here.  This was directly connected to a feeling by many of them of being betrayed or lied to.	61%
The effects of the pressure to be perfect in the Church	54%
Felt that family, fellow ward members, LDS friends and other members ostracized them, shunned them, or became harshly critical of them for raising the issues they were asking about	48%
Unable to get an answer to prayer confirming truth of LDS Church or BOM or Joseph Smith, especially related to period of their own “quest for truth”.	41%
Rejection of Intellectualism: Faith v. Reason. Criticized for asking questions.	39%
Issues relating to the role of the woman	36%
Polygamy & Joseph's marriages to other married women	36%
Blacks and the Priesthood	34%
Problems with Bishops	32%
Encouraged by local leaders to ignore doubts	29%
Superiority Complex of members of the Church	27%
Book of Abraham	23%
Church leaders appear to not be inspired	22%
Problems related to Joseph Smith	22%
Problems related to the Book of Mormon	22%
Correlation between Temple Ceremony and Masonry	21%

We must keep in mind that I only counted the issue if it was raised by the individual in the story that they shared.   Issues not mentioned in their stories may still be have been problems for them.  However, since they did not mention it in their stories I did not count it.  Taking that into account, I think it would be safe to say that the statistics for each of these items is on the low side.    

Also, it should be noted that no one left for a single reason.  It was a multitude of these reasons that pushed them over the edge.   In fact, in fact there was an average of at least nine different issues for every story that contributed to their decision to reject the church.  

Interestingly enough, the top five answers listed have nothing to do directly with the doctrines of the church.  This was a surprise to me.  If these non-doctrinal issues could be dealt with more effectively at the local level, I feel that there would be fewer strong members deciding to leave the church.  I think the Church is starting to recognize that very fact.  I get the impression that there have been more talks from the pulpit entreating members of the Church to be more loving towards their fellow members of the Church.  There has been more discussion of testimonies.  The Church has encouraged more openness and understanding of those who question as evidenced by the recent introduction of new teaching outlines and guidelines for the Young Men and Young Women that are to be used in 2013.    

Another significant area of problems mentioned in this survey had to do with Bishops.   Bishops played a significant role in almost every experience.   The power that the Bishops have to influence the individual members should not be underestimated.  Almost one out of every three stories mentioned having problems with their Bishop.  This does not take into account the stories of physical or sexual abuse at the hands of their Bishop or other church leader (Surprisingly high at 3%).   Additionally, another 14% mentioned having great difficulty removing their names from the records of the church.  In some cases they had to threaten the Bishop or the Church itself with litigation before they were able to have their name successfully removed from the records of the church.  That experience only hardened their feelings against the Church.   It should be noted that these bad experiences with Bishops is the exception to the rule.   Yes, the number of problems experienced with Bishops was disturbingly high.   The occurrence of bad experience with Bishops is awful given the sacred role they have.  However, it must be noted that most of these individuals respected their Bishops.  Most of these 158 people acknowledged their Bishops as good and honest men serving faithfully and sincerely in their callings.  

Probably the most disturbing aspect of this study for me was the disastrous impact to the faith of those who rejected the church. One of the reasons that I selected many of these stories to analyze is because they included a discussion of where they stood now as far as their own personal religious belief.    

Over one third (35%) of these people now pursue what I would call a “New Age” type of belief.   These people still believe in some kind of a supreme power ruling the universe, but are not associated with any kind of Christian religion. They no longer accept Christ as divine, though they do not deny his existence or nor his goodness.   Another 18% are unsure about their religious beliefs considering themselves to be agnostic.   A surprising 13% of the people in the study are now atheists. There are 2% who have turned to Judaism and 1% who have chosen to follow one of the eastern religions.  That is a surprising total of 69% who have completely rejected Christianity after deciding to leave the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.

Of the approximately one-third (30%) remaining in the study who did not reject Christianity upon leaving the church, about 16% remain Christian but do not affiliate themselves with a specific denomination.   There are 7% of those in the study who have chosen to remain active members of the LDS church even though they no longer believe in its doctrine or history.   These people are afraid to lose friends and family and do so to maintain harmony at home preferring to lie about their beliefs than losing their loved ones here.  Another 5% have become Born-again Christians.   2% have become Episcopalians and another 1% have become Baptists.

However, in spite of the fact that their most of these people’s faith in Christ as divine had been destroyed.  In spite of the fact that their whole cultural make up had been discarded along with their cosmological beliefs…they all described themselves as happier for having left the Church and glad that they made the choice that they did.  Some completely dissociated themselves with the Church.  Others remained “cultural Mormons.” Participating occasionally especially since so many friend and family members were LDS.  

I found a lot of similarities in the paths they followed. Almost every single person had a personal experience or ran into a piece of information that started them on their own “quest for truth” as they describe it.   They all believed that the Church doctrine, history, and culture would be vindicated.   Each of them was motivated by a sense of integrity.  In fact, the issue of personal integrity was huge for each of them.      

They felt that the truth should withstand scrutiny.  A phrase mentioned by many of them.   Every one of them went through an agonizing process.  During their struggle they spent time defending the church to others and to themselves.   

 Something started them down the path.   What started their journey varies, but most of them can be placed into five general categories. 

      1)      They were praying to receive answers validating the Church position on whatever issue they were studying and none was received. IN fact,  the more they prayed the more they learned of even more issues that ultimately them away.  The more they prayed, the more uneasy they felt with the Church.

2)      They went to college and what they learned there started to instill doubt

3)      Their first visit to the temple made them very uncomfortable    

4)      A personal tragedy motivated them on their quest for truth.  

5)      They somehow came across information they had never heard of before, especially on the internet.   

So whatever the starting point was, they all asked questions.   There was a period of time that many of them kept their concerns quiet.  Many of them were afraid of the reactions of family and fellow members.  When they finally did come out with their questions, their fears were confirmed.   Many of them turned to their local church leaders for help or to respected LDS friends.   The church leaders encouraged them to keep praying, or told them to place their doubts on a shelf.  A frequent response was to read the Book of Mormon.   This was unsatisfactory for them since all of them were already doing that or had done it multiple times.   It disturbed many of them that those leaders did not have direct answers.     They did not get the burning in the bosom. They asked the tough questions.   They felt that they did not get answers.   As their doubts grew with the absence of answers, it became more difficult for them to hide those doubts.   In many cases their questions and doubts led to them being ostracized by members as well as family members who were members. Some were attacked angrily by family members.   Divorce was not uncommon.  Members no longer associated with them.   Many experienced deep depression, many contemplated suicide. 

They were accused by some members of seeking an easy path, but as can be seen by their experiences, there was nothing easy about the path they trod.  It would have been easier to just pretend that they still believed and all of their family relationships would have remained intact.  They could have pretended to believe and their friendship with members would have remained intact.   And yet, their personal integrity did not allow them to pretend to believe, to pretend that they did not have questions, to pretend that they were still stalwart. After a period of suffering alone, many of them came out, started asking questions and saw their worlds crumble.

We must remember that in rejecting LDS doctrine and choosing to leave the church, they were not just giving up a once a week kind of religion.   As all of us who are active LDS know, Mormonism is more than just a religion.  It is a culture, a way of life.   Leaving the church would completely change one’s life and not to be done lightly.  

They did not leave the church because it was the easy thing to do as many people have speculated.   They had shown that they were anxious and engaged members of the Church doing their best to live up to all of what is expected of us as Latter Day Saints.   Other members speculate that people leave the church because they were unwilling to live up to the standards of the church.  Not so with this group.   They lived those standards joyfully while members of the church. In most cases they still live those same standards.   Some of these people even thanked their church experiences for helping to teach them good morals and acquire strong self-discipline.

Some think they were running away from their guilt.  If anything, they ran headlong into guilt.   As they embarked into their questions, many of them were engulfed in deep guilt for even questioning in the first place.  Some were accused by family and friends of being led by Satan.    They were hurt spiritually, psychologically, socially, economically and in every way imaginable. Yet oddly enough, after all that pain of going through the process of leaving the Church.  They all state that they are happier now.   They all state that they were glad they left.  They all made the comment that their consciences were more at peace since they were now living with greater personal integrity. They all felt like they had made the right choice.    

So there you go.  An overview of the 158 devout members who ended up leaving the Church.   I think we all can learn from it.  Let me be clear about one thing.  I am not a professional sociologist or statistician.   I am in no way attempting to extend what I have learned here and make statements about the rest of the Church based on the experiences of these 158.   What I have learned is limited to them.

This is also not an effort by me to “steady the ark.”  While it is an attempt to raise awareness to something that is happening far more often than we as active members of the Church might believe, I write this more for myself than for anyone else.  This research is rather a personal attempt to be better prepared to help those along this path who might ever come into my sphere of influence.  I failed in the past.  I vowed to be better prepared and better aware in the future.  

In my next few posts, I will examine a few of the issues raised in greater detail.    

~ Bruce Fey

The Book of Abraham: 3 Families and the 158 Who Left

As I was struggling with what to do with the NDE experiences, I realized that I would probably never come to a resolution on the reality of NDE’s.   The scholars themselves still hotly debated the issue and volumes have been written on the subject.   I realized that ultimately a choice would have to be made or live forever in indecision.   Whatever choice I made would require a certain amount of faith.  I decided that rather than trying to rationally resolve my quandary over NDE’s I decided to let my testimony guide me.  

However, at that point, I had an unresolved question that I had placed on a mental shelf that I was now motivated to take up.   Stuart’s death was still haunting me about how wrong I could be and how alone Stuart was suffering without a friend.  I vowed to try to avoid having friends suffering in silence again.   My own experience with the death of my daughter and the questions it raised for me, stoked the fire of desire for truth.  Roughly around this same time individuals in three different families approached me with a problem regarding the translation of the Book of Abraham that I had placed on my mental shelf to terrible consequences.

FAMILY 1:  During the first time I served in the Bishopric (about 10 years ago) and not long before the death of my daughter, a part member family invited me to their home.   The husband was not a member of the church, but his wife was.   They had all kinds of questions for me that directly challenged the truthfulness of the Church. We had a great talk.  One of the issues they raised took me by surprise.   They mentioned to me that the church had in its possession the papyrus that Joseph Smith used to translate the Book of Abraham.  They also told me that the translation of the papyrus did not come close to what Joseph provided as a translation and that the papyrus themselves were dated to hundreds of years AFTER Abraham is believed to have lived.  I was honest with them and told them that I had never heard that the papyrus existed or that the translation did not exist.   I had no idea.  Frankly, at the time, I did not believe that what they told me was true.  I told them I would look it up and get back to them.  

I never did look it up.   Not long afterwards my daughter passed away and the issue was forgotten in my mind as I dealt with the pain of her loss.  Later,  I was researching the NDE’s as part of my own search for comfort, I learned that this family submitted a written request to have the wife's name removed from the records of the church.   In their letter to the Bishop explaining their reasons, they mentioned that there were serious questions that I as a church leader was not able to answer for them.   I was crushed to learn that my failure to come up with some type of an answer played a part, however small, in their departure.  

FAMILY 2: It was not long after I learned of this, that my sister-in-law approached me with a question.  It was the very same question regarding the Book of Abraham.  Her husband was an extremely intelligent and successful attorney.   He graduated near the top of his Law school class at Harvard, studied in England, and landed a job at one of the more prestigious corporate law firms in Los Angeles.  He was a member of BYU’s only National Championship football team.    He was also a strong member of the church, having served a Spanish-speaking mission and served in a wide variety of callings including as a member of a Bishopric.  However, he was leaving the church.  He no longer believed it to be true.   One of the issues he mentioned to his wife was about the Book of Abraham.   She asked me about it.  I had to tell her that I simply did not know.   But I never looked it up.  I never researched it.  I left it simply as I don’t know and let the problem remain up on my mental shelf of unresolved questions.  

Well, their problems with regards to the Church among other personal issues eventually led to their divorce.  It was one of the ugliest divorces that one can imagine.   I had not answered the question regarding the Book of Abraham for her.  All she got was an “I don’t know” from me.  Other church related questions and doubts followed for her with no answers.   The ugliness surrounding her divorce took a serious toll on her.  Her growing doubts in the church took their toll on her.   She ultimately became terribly depressed and committed suicide.   The shock was devastating for my wife as she loss her sister.    

FAMILY 3:  About the same time as the above two families, a friend of mine who has been a devout lifelong member of the church confided in me.  He had doubts about the church.  He was filled with questions and concerns, but did not know where to turn.   He tried talking to his wife about them, but his wife told him that if he left the Church she would take the kids and divorce him.   She told him that he was being influenced by Satan and she did not want that influence in the lives of her children.   His Bishop told him to ignore the questions, and chastised him for lack of faith and for not concentrating on the basics.   His Bishop told him to read the Book of Mormon.  His questions were sincere and difficult, but he found no one willing to listen.    

He became extremely depressed. He told me that his life was a solitary hell.   He was not only losing his faith in Mormonism, but in Christianity and God himself. He had experienced the death of several close family members at this time that wracked his soul with pain.  He had several other serious issues in his life, but his Faith had always been paramount, so losing his faith at this time was devastating for him.   He contemplated suicide, but thoughts of his children stopped him.   He reached out to me begging for help.   Among his many problems and questions related to the Church?  The translation of the Book of Abraham that did not match.     

That was it.  For me, what happened with those families were the proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back. Stuart’s death, my own daughter’s death, what happened in the lives of these three families, motivated me to take the question of the Book of Abraham off the shelf and confront it once and for all.  

I felt confident that I would find an answer. I have always been able to find answers to my religious questions and had faith in a God that answers prayers.  I went straight to the manuals put out by the church.   However, as I looked for material related to the translation of the Book of Abraham I had a hard time finding anything in the church’s published works related to the problems raised by these friends.   I was becoming convinced that what they had learned came from an anti-Mormon source for I found nothing in the Church’s works. 

There was no mention that the translation did not match in any of the Gospel Doctrine manuals or almost any of the other Church manuals that I could get my hands on.   We are simply not taught that the papyrus are in existence nor that the papyrus does not date to the time of Abraham, nor that the translation of the papyrus or the facsimiles do not match or are even close to what Joseph translated.   But then my search finally bore fruit.

I did find that in the January Improvement Era of 1968 (http://pool.fairmormon.org/images/4/47/IE_Jan1968_article.pdf)  eleven fragments of the papyrus used to translate the Book of Abraham were announced as having been found and were now in possession of the Church.  1968!   The Church did have them in their possession.  For decades! I finally also found two paragraphs touching this topic in the Pearl of Great Price Student Manual which I believe is used for Institute.  So if you never went to Institute, you would never hear of it.  

That manual mentioned in response to the fact that the papyrus do not date to the time of Abraham that “Joseph never claimed that the writings were written by Abraham himself.”  But it never mentions that the papyrus has been translated by Egyptologists and that the translation does not match even closely what Joseph has in the Book of Abraham. As far as I could tell, the translation problem just did not exist anywhere in Church publications.

Instead, the Institute manual on the Pearl of Great Price went on to say that the “…greatest evidence of the truthfulness of the Book of Abraham is not found in an analysis of the physical evidence nor historical background, but in prayerful consideration of its content and power.”    

I finally did come across the following article in the July 1988 Ensign “Why doesn’t the translation of the Egyptian papyri found in 1967 match the text of the Book of Abraham in the Pearl of Great Price.”   (http://www.lds.org/ensign/1988/07/i-have-a-question/i-have-a-question?lang=eng&query=book+abraham+have+question+translation) 

To me, this article I found was the biggest validation of the concerns of my friends.   The entire time, I simply did not believe that the translation did not match. I didn't believe that the papyrus even existed.  I thought they had been destroyed in a fire as I had been taught.  I felt that their source HAD to be some anti-Mormon person with an axe to grind seeking to discredit the church.   But they were right.  Here, in the Ensign, an official publication of the Church, was a BYU scholar admitting that the translation of the papyrus that Joseph used to translate the Book of Abraham did not match our text of the Book of Abraham.   I was the one who was wrong..again.  

I was stunned that it took until my late 30s to be the first time I had heard of this issue even though the papyrus were discovered back in the late 1960s.   Most of my time had been spent either deeply involved in my callings, or reading the Book of Mormon over and over again.  So, I never came across it.   This issue was never raised or discussed in any Gospel Doctrine or Priesthood lesson, nor indeed can you find it in any of those manuals.  I found a couple of brief paragraphs to which I alluded earlier in an Institute manual.  That was it.      

There were all sorts of other questions and issues raised in the answer provided in the July 1988 Ensign article by Michael D. Rhodes (researcher in ancient scriptures, BYU).  This was all a new world for me.   I wanted to delve into it and learn more, but simply could find very little in official Church publications readily available to me.  

So I turned to the internet.  It wasn’t long before I found myself coming across story after story of those who had left the church.  Stories filled with pain and anguish.  The questions regarding the translation of the Book of Abraham were mentioned by many of them. 

I was very surprised by what I read.   These stories were written by many who were strong members of the church.  They had served missions, were married in the Temple, they were active and held many callings.   I wanted to know why they would turn their backs on a faith that brought so much fruit and does so much good.  As I read, I learned about many other issues related to our Church, its history and it’s doctrine that troubled these once very faithful members that ultimately led to their decision to have their names removed from the records of the Church.

Finding these issues raised my concern for the youth.   I had served as a Young Men’s President, a member of the Bishopric, and was serving as Stake Young Men’s President when I read these stories for the first time. My lifetime in the church up to that point had been devoted to serving them in one capacity or another.   I have been concerned about the testimonies of our youth for years.   I could easily see how the testimonies of many of our youth could be affected by some of the issues raised. They could be found with a simple click of the mouse.  This was underscored for me when in my wife’s seminary class, one of our youth raised one of those issues I was reading about for the first time in the stories of those who left.   My wife had not heard of the problem and did not know the answer.  I had only read about it for the first time in the stories I was reading.  I wondered how many other youth and how many other adults had these kinds of questions with no one to turn to for answers.  

On the internet these difficult issues are very easy to find.   When searching for just about anything on Mormonism those issues are just a click away.   As missionaries preach the gospel, prospective converts turn to the internet to learn more and find these questions that many of our young missionaries cannot answer.   Yet, while finding the challenging questions facing our religion was easy on the internet, finding answers was much more difficult.   FAIR was about the only place where you could find a direct response to many of the questions.  The Church had very little in direct response to those questions.    In many instances the answers by FAIR were very detailed and scholarly, not readily accessible.   It was even more difficult to find basic answers to these questions in the Ensign or any of the other official publications of the Church (such as Sunday School Manuals), or even in any of the books published by the general authorities of the church.     

For the person struggling with their testimony that was aware of all of these issues I was finding, I knew that the amount of information to assimilate could be daunting.   Arguments on each side are fervent, just as the arguments surrounding NDE’s were for me. Ultimately in the face of all the debate, a choice would have to be made.   That choice though informed by reason would have to be made on faith since no definitive answer to some of the questions seemed easily accessible.   

I knew that many of our youth were struggling to obtain a testimony.  I wanted to be better prepared to help the youth obtain and maintain strong testimonies of the restored gospel of Jesus Christ.  If any of my youth had questions, I wanted to be prepared to offer them something that would buoy their faith.   I wanted to make sure that there was another voice dealing with the tough questions.  I wanted to do my best to do my part to be prepared for those who had questions. 

I wondered how many adults were struggling with hard questions related to the Church.  In just a very short span, three families close to me were all greatly impacted by them.   I wanted no more Stuart’s in my life.  I wanted something more substantive to offer than “I don’t know.”  Especially since I had not put forth ANY effort into knowing in the first place.  I would never find an answer if I never searched, pondered and prayed about it.   We pray about our lost keys, this seemed eminently more important than that.

Nothing can replace knowledge gained by receiving a divine witness of the truthfulness of the restored gospel in these latter days.   But the path to receiving that knowledge for some is sometimes difficult.  There is a large void of answers to difficult questions.   As youth and adult members come across these questions and seek answers to the ones that trouble them, they are often told to put these questions on the shelf or to not question.  For some that shelf eventually gets so full and so cluttered that they feel that they must deal with it.  Others are told just to ignore those questions and rely on their testimonies born of the spirit.   But for others, the questions can be so troubling, they find themselves unable to ignore them.   When some of them turn to other members and Church leaders for help in answer those questions, they are sometimes told that their testimonies are weak, or that they are questioning as a result of sin and unworthiness in their life further alienating an already struggling member.  It is not long before they no longer feel comfortable in fellowship with the saints and in the absence of a loving countering voice ultimately end up leaving the church.  Many of them feel judged, shunned, and have lost friends and families over it

So I decided to look more closely at these stories to understand why these people left the church.   To see if there were any common themes among their stories.  I found it hard to believe that a question related to translation of the Book of Abraham could lead to the loss of faith.   There had to be more to it than that.  

I wanted no more Stuart’s in my life, no more Families 1, 2 and 3.  I wanted to do whatever I could do as a Latter Day Saint to buoy up the faith of those within my reach and stewardship who were struggling.   I did not want anyone to suffer in silence anymore.  So my study of the stories of those 158 devout members who left the church began.   NEXT POST:   Details on what I learned about the 158.  

~ Bruce Fey

Near Death Experiences and Faith

From my previous blog post (DEATH OF MY DAUGHTER), I explained what motivated me to want to read stories that spoke specifically about near death experiences (NDEs) of children. I did not find anything in the LDS world of literature, but I did find books in the library and at the bookstores that were written specifically about NDE’s of children.   Although written by non-LDS authors, at first I found them to be outside works that confirmed by own testimony of some of the teachings of the Gospel. 

For example, in book, “The New Children and Near Death Experiences” by P.M.H. Atwater, it talked about the children of the “new millennium.”  Its research appeared to validate what the prophets have proclaimed about our LDS youth.   Leaders of the Church have taught that the strongest youth have been saved for the last days – that they were the ones held back to come forth in the last dispensation.   Dr. Atwater quotes a Newsweek article by Sharon Begley:

“IQ scores throughout the developed world have soared dramatically since the tests were introduced in the early years of this [twentieth] century…The rise is so sharp that it implies that the average school child today is as bright as the near geniuses of yesteryear.”

Another example of NDEs supporting doctrine that is relatively unique to Mormonism is related to our doctrine of the pre-existence.   There are many NDEs stories for both adults and children that reference a pre-existent life of each of us.  

Many of the stories I read where supportive and comforting.  I found the usual stories of beings of light, angels sent to comfort and lead the child.  In many cases, children saw animals (rarely seen by adult NDEs) who show up as the guide for the children instead of an angel in human form.  

However, I then ran into NDE stories of children that confused me.  Some displayed a vision of the afterlife that clearly contradicted my own beliefs.   Some spoke of reincarnation.  A small percentage of children spoke of hellish experiences and mentioned “monsters”, as they had no other words to describe the terrifying and oddly shaped beings that they encountered.  A Muslim child spoke of meeting Buddha.  Others spoke of seeing Gods and prophets not germane to Christianity.   Some received messages from God rejecting organized religion and proclaiming the importance of love above all else.  

As a devout LDS, it was baffling to read these and other NDE stories of children that conflicted with doctrine that I had been taught.   What was I to make of them?   I wanted to just reject outright those stories that did not happen to conform to my own personal beliefs about life after death.   But it didn’t seem right to just filter those out and only accept the ones that happened to fit my own view.   That was intellectually dishonest.  

Given my proclivity at the time to see things as black and white, I presented myself with the following proposition: Either I accepted NDE’s as real experiences or I didn’t.   If I accepted the NDE’s as real experiences, then I had a problem with those stories that didn’t match my LDS beliefs.  I simply did not know how to reconcile them when they so clearly contradicted what I believed.     

On the other hand, there are many scientists who put forth strong arguments that NDEs are not real, but rather reactions of the human brain to the realization of its imminent demise.  They counter that the brain is projecting a vision of the afterlife based on the beliefs and cultures of those who are dying, which would explain the wide variations of experiences.  

But then if I rejected NDE’s completely as all being hallucinations, then a whole body of comforting, reassuring and enlightening literature was now lost and meaningless, utterly unable of being believed nor providing any true comfort.   A large body of spiritual experiences that have strengthened thousands would be just an illusion.  Most certainly every single adult or child who has had an NDE will tell you just how real and true those experiences they had were for them. None of them would tell you that what they experiences was a hallucination.  

So I set about to study the matter without any satisfying conclusion.

My black and white world began to break down.   I began to consider that perhaps a middle ground could conceivably be taken that allowed for some of the NDEs to be real and others to just be the hallucinations of a dying person.   I am guessing that is probably closer to the truth.  Unfortunately, under that paradigm, there is absolutely no way to tell which NDEs are real and which ones are hallucinations.  Every NDE was very real and true to the person who experienced it.  The inclination to just dismiss any NDE that did not match my own personal beliefs as a hallucination was indeed a very tempting and simple solution, but intellectually dishonest.

As I researched the arguments regarding the reality of NDEs, I soon found that I could keep researching it forever without coming to a satisfactory conclusion one way or the other.  I had just as many arguments supporting one side as there were arguments supporting the other.   Both sides were successful at puncturing arguments of the other side and equally as powerful in their rebuttals.  

One takes the time to size up the various arguments as best as we can, but ultimately we have to make a choice.   There are situations where there does not appear to be a clear answer.  There are times when logic can present reasonable justifications for several sides of one issue making the decision even tougher.   Wouldn’t it be nice if there was always a preponderance of evidence on one side or the other to make choices a little easier.   But as we all know, life is just not that way.  We must make complex choices or end up wandering “in the wilderness” with no direction.   Making no choice is often worse than making the wrong choice.  And once that choice is made, one continues fighting and evaluating to see if they have made the right choice.     

Faith is what gives us the ability and the courage to make those choices.   It is Faith that has been an important element of every scientific discovery, or religious revelation. It is Faith that has been the common element behind every accomplishment.     It is Faith that pushes us on through failures and tragedies. It keeps us striving for answers when there does not appear to be one.   It is the belief that we will ultimately succeed, and that we will find an answer to whatever challenge is placed before us. 

Faith is all too often used to describe the situation where we have just given up on pursuing an answer to a difficult question.  That is no longer faith. It’s giving up.   It shows to us that we do not have faith that we can get an answer.  We have to work for our anwsers and be willing and humble enough to admit we might be wrong.     God will never answer a question that has been placed on a shelf.       

Spencer W. Kimball provides a perfect example of this kind of faith in the process he went through that ultimately led to the overturning of the ban on the priesthood for blacks back in 1978.  

In 1976 President Kimball confided regarding Priesthood and the blacks that he “…had been praying about it for 15 years without an answer…but I am going to keep praying about it.” ⁽¹⁾

In a letter to his son, President Kimball wrote

“Revelations will probably never come unless they are desired.  I think few people receive revelations while lounging on the couch or while playing cards or while relaxing.  I believe most revelations would come when a man is on his tip toes reaching as high as he can for something which he knows he needs, and then there bursts upon him the answer to his problems.” ⁽²⁾

President Kimball later described,

“ I had a great deal to fight…myself, largely, because I had grown up with this thought that Negroes should not have the priesthood and I was prepared to go all the rest of my life until my death and fight for it and defend it as it was.”  ⁽³⁾

President Kimball kept on praying, seeking for information, studying the issue out in his mind and asking the Lord even though he did not receive answer for years.  He had the courage to accept spiritual promptings that ran contrary to what he had believed his whole life.   He was humble enough to seek what is right and to reverse a deeply held belief.    He made a choice, having studied the issue from as many different angles as possible.  That choice went contrary to what he had believed and had been taught and that choice was accepted by the Lord and changed the world of Mormonism.    

Faith is the moving power in all of us.  If there is no movement, there is no faith.   Faith is a force of movement towards resolution, accomplishment, success, revelation.  Faith is not a way station for those who have given up on finding the answers.    

I had learned how wrong I could be on some tightly held beliefs and stereotypes from the death of my friend Stuart. His death changed me and changed some deeply ingrained beliefs.   I then was confronted with questions on my own religious beliefs that were raised by the Near Death Experiences I read.   The questions certainly did not challenge my testimony, but they were questions nonetheless.   I made a choice to take a middle road on the NDEs but decided at that point to stop studying them.   I had no faith that I would arrive at a definitive answer on the reality of NDEs through just scientific debate.  Nor did I have the patience to spend all of my spare time engrossed in studying NDEs in great detail. So I moved on.

At this point, years had passed since the death of Stuart and my daughter.   But I was now motivated to find truth.   I really only had one question nagging at me for which I had no answer, but which I had chosen to put on my mental shelf and ignore.  Theone problem to resolve that I had put off for too long ended up having terrible consequences: The Book of Abraham.   I will use my next blog post to explain that.   That next blog post will be my last one explaining my own personal motivations and describing the journey that ultimately led me to my study of why those 158 one time devout active Latter Day Saints chose to leave the church.  After that next post, I will delve directly into the study and what I learned from it. 

(1)   “BYU Studies 47, no. 2 (2008)  Edward L. Kimball – Spencer W. Kimball and the Revelation on Priesthood p. 42”

(2)   BYU Studies 47, no. 2 (2008)  Edward L. Kimball – Spencer W. Kimball and the Revelation on Priesthood p. 46”

(3)   BYU Studies 47, no. 2 (2008)  Edward L. Kimball – Spencer W. Kimball and the Revelation on Priesthood  p. 48”

The article referenced in the above footnotes can be found at the following link: 

http://www.scribd.com/doc/85431038/Edward-L-Kimball-Spencer-W-Kimball-and-the-Revelation-on-Priesthood

~ Bruce Fey